Wednesday, 13 February 2013


I am overly stressed right now. There is so much going on in my life that I have to worry about! I know all teeangers get stressed but the amount of things on my mind is uncountable! I have to worry about grades, homework, revision, ill relatives back home (and I live far from home), having to move again mid-way through the school year (and ditching my exams??) and I honestly cannot take my mind wandering every second of every day! And I can't concentrate on anything right now, as soon as i get too involved with something my mind suddenly thinks about something to stress me out! I have the worst headaches at least 5 times a day now and I cannot take anymore stress! Too top it all off, im the kind of person who needs alot of sleep and I cant sleep and have to go to bed so late with the amount of work I recieve.. And getting up incredibly early does not help! And no-one understands me. Teachers, parents, friends, family.. No-one understands how much stress Im under compared to everyone else. I know my stress is all secret and most people dont know anything about any of this and everyone else could be doing the same, but everyone else seems happy and calm all the time and although I fake a smile, I cant.. Im tired of it! Pretending everything is perfectly ok when everything is falling apart.. At only 15, i shouldnt have to worry about the kind of things I do! I cant sleeep.. I cant cope.....!

Tuesday, 12 February 2013


So I have strong opinions, sometimes I speak out of  place! But I'm better now and more controlling and tend to know when i should and shouldn't speak! But I get it wrong from time to time.. But I was brought up being told to speak your mind and don't let others speak it for you.. Basically, don't let others influence you into believing something you don't want to. Its why i love opinions, you can believe what you want and I have no disrespect or hate towards anyone with completely different opinions to myself. But lately I feel when i'm talking to my group of friends, i'm being judged or hated against for what i feel or think... I don't hate them or cause an argument (we debate) but i'm happy with them thinking differently to me, it makes us human, so i don't understand how they can deal with my opinions, i doesn't affect them and i'm not just making shit up and talking out my ass, i hate with people start saying shit how they feel and think when they know nothing on the subject at all, i'm not like that.. I just speak my mind, its not like i'm racist, homophobic or sexist or anything like that, just i have the 'wrong' opinion according to some people, which i thought was impossible but i guess some people just don't understand some things...

Wednesday, 6 February 2013


I've changed so much over the last few years. Grown up, matured, changed. But I still look over old photos, and start reminiscing. Then i see photos of me and my old friends, people I haven't spoken to for years, and remembering how close we once were. How can people change so much.. Being best friends for years, to being an absolute back-stabbing bitch! Can people really change that much? Or were they always a liar and we just never noticed it before.. I can't help thinking how different my life would be if we were still friends or if I'd never moved away from my life I knew before! Or if i'd moved away sooner and left being best friends.. Would we still be now? How can I say i miss you - or what you were - without seeming desperate and clingy! I just want to say how I wish we were still close enough to talk and laugh! I hate not having you as a friend, but you'll always be my childhood best friend, and no amount of bitchiness and lies can take that away from me. You can't do anything about it! 


I've always wanted to be famous! A dancer. An actress. A singer. Anything. I'd love the rich, famous lifestyle! It'll never be what anyone thinks! The paparazzi, no private life and haters! I'm sure it also has many positives and many negatives. But I can't help thinking how cool and exciting it would be and how fun! I watch films, tv shows, music videos, interviews.. The list is endless! And I'd love to be famous, and have everyone know me, make a real impact on someone/maybe even people! But I guess it would be tough!
The thought of being famous excites me and gets me smiling and imaging how amazing everything would be! I'd love it, and I know every teenage girls dream is to be famous, and I know I have nothing that would be of any use to anyone, but I can always dream!

Security about myself..

So recently I've been feeling incredibly insecure about myself. I feel as if I am constantly being watched and whispered about and judged, it's horrible. I feel like when I'm hanging about with my friends (who are so lovely and amazing) I'd rather be somewhere else with other people, that's weird right? I couldn't be happier yet I feel so unhappy with myself. I feel like I'm not being 'me' just something that my friends have created and I am that being. But I'm happy and I love my friends, so I don't understand.. I've been watching so much American TV lately, pretty much about teenagers and stuff, all their lives are so perfect and exactly the kind of friendships, relationships and just general life I want, and believe me I know it's unrealistic and very cliche, but I can't help wanting to be different, how can I get that when I'm with the wrong people? But I'm not confident. I'm not cool. I can't change and be the loud, bubbly person I really want to be, because of what everyone else thinks or says! I'm completely stuck!!!

Saturday, 2 February 2013

90210 - must watch!

90210 is a must watch, i originally watched the show when it first aired in 2008 and got hooked but for many reasons, i ran out of time and got distracted by a numerous amount of other things and dropped off and pretty much just stopped watching it! But recently i have begun watching it again and it is so personal and relate-able even though the story lines can be a little far fetched. I love it because it starts with them in high school and progresses and is now them in the beginning of their adult life which is totally cool and realistic and i suppose living in Beverly Hills and having millions through their 'trust funds' it maybe isnt so realistic compared to our lives but some of their feelings are personal lives are totally realistic and cool! It's why i love the show and now have an obsession with L.A. and with my uncle living close by to California he promised if i visit him in America he will take me to L.A. .. guess i better start saving then! 

Friday, 1 February 2013

Time - quick and slow?!

So lately, the present seems to be going so slow, yet time is still ticking extremely fast! I cannot physically believe we are already in 2013, and we are already into the second month of 2013! My weeks are school seem to be dragging on an awful lot recently but maybe i just cannot wait for year 11 to be over and get onto into sixth form (if i get in). I just cant wait to be doing less subjects - even if that does mean more work - but however subjects that interest me a hell of alot more than maths, science, pe, etc.
So we got our a-level options from last week, i am nervous and excited and all of a sudden i just starting thinking and remembering things.. starting middle school, and high school, and remembering things from so many years ago, all as if they were yesterday and suddenly they are being blurred into one memory.. MY LIFE! No longer do i remember each individual thing, just bits of different things! And then all of a sudden, i am holding my options form in my hand thinking, my life is just beginning, my adult life anyway, im finally making decisions for myself and taking my future into my own hands, and with four words, my whole life will be different, life just got serious, and already i dont like hear!
So.. here's to the future, its gonna suck, im so ready!!!!